Monday, December 6, 2010
Date of Second Coming leaked, Jesus said to be 'furious'
News that Christians in the US have been leaking the date for the Second Coming – it's May 21, 2011, they say – has made Jesus "furious, in fact, absolutely livid," according to reports. The long-awaited date has been revealed in advertising on bumper stickers, the sides of trucks, and now in a billboard campaign for Christmas (above).
"It's one thing for Wikileaks to reveal that Prince Andrew is a prat, but this leaking of the top secret date for the Rapture is just beyond contemptible," said the office of a high-ranking archangel. "It's a threat to biblical security."
Unconfirmed sources say that when the news was broken to Jesus that world-class biblical scholar Harold Camping was behind the leak, he flew into a tirade of almighty proportions.
"What part of 'no man knoweth the day or the hour' doesn't he understand?" he raged. "Even I didn't know until like five minutes ago, and now it's all over Heat magazine."
The Holy Spirit is also reported to have "gone tonto" at the news.
Old Testament scholars believe the billboard campaign will backfire on Mr Camping. "What he's done is a bit of an abomination unto the Lord," said one scholar, "and that never plays too well with the Fire and Brimstone department in Heaven."
But New Testament scholars disagree, saying that Mr Camping can expect to be "left behind" in the Rapture, along with author Tim LaHaye, who has also revealed classified information about the Second Coming in his popular Left Behind novels.
Camping and LaHaye are now expected to undergo the Great Tribulation, according to one expert, plus the wrath of the Whore of Babylon, and an unwelcome meeting with "the beast having seven heads and ten horns".
"They're going to throw the Book of Revelation at them," he said.
The Virgin Mary was unavailable for comment.